Monday, June 28, 2010
Saturday, June 19, 2010
As Life Goes On
I have felt pain……. I have danced in the rain…. I have laughed…. I have cried…. I feel….. I heal…. I am ME
Last Weekend I was honoured enough to go away for 3 nights with my Mother & 2 of my sisters. It was a stunning weekend.... about an hour out of Sydney on the banks of a beautiful leafy River. The river flowed so gently...... it was a wonderful grounding & healing medium.
The Gentle Healing River Flow
It was a rather intense weekend, more so then I had expected. Yet it was exactly what I needed. And I believe exactly what my darling Mother & 2 sisters needed. My others sisters where meant to come along as well, but unfortunately life as a mother of small children can sometimes act as a bit of a deterrent to seeking healthy healing alone time. But that's OK, I accepted that as part of their journey...it was just a shame that they were not there to witness the beauty....the unfurling of spirit & hope that I witnessed. I got to spend time listening to my Mother... listening to stories that I was too young to remember...listening to things that had a huge impact upon my life.
Picture: my Mum by the Healing River this weekend
I was born the 8th child in a family of 10 children, 4 Boys & 6 girls. My parents got together when they were very young, my mother 16 & father 19. They were married when my mother was 18 & had a child within the 1st year.
My parents had lost their dear sweet gentle Son to drowning when he was 10 years old. In fact not only did he drown, but he drowned at the hands of his brothers & friends, as they were all fooling around. Several years before that their beautiful darling daughter contracted the measles at age 18months & unfortunately it developed into encephalitis. She soon fell into a coma for several months, only to awaken with severe physical & mental disabilities. They struggled for 2 years to meet all her needs, while struggling through abject poverty, births of new children & looking after my Grandfather who was dying from cancer & had suffered many strokes. My darling mother was very ill in her pregnancies...but she told of how the Dr came by to check on her & my grandfather & my sister & basically said you need to stop this..or you will kill yourself.
The Unfurling of A Heart & Spirit.... of a life story
After 2 long exhausting years...my parents made the only decision they could...they had to place my then 4year sister into a hospice where she could receive 24 hour care & medical support. They made this heart wrenching decision when my mum was 7 months pregnant with me. I was born into a family grieving the loss of their hopes & dreams for their daughter & sister" I was born into a family bleeding & in pain. We have visited my sister at her home..... all my life...my parents go religiously.... I hated going as a child..because it smelled sterile.....
I have very early memories of my life...of being a baby..a toddler... very vivid memories..that are in fact real memories that I have had confirmed. My darling brother Mark loved me.... I was his shining light...his darling little sister...my mum said we were inseparable. last weekend as we sat around the log fire in the cabin..i watched as the light flickered upon my mother's weathered, yet beautiful face. The pain as she retold of the day Mark drowned.... told how her brother in laws came by & told my parents... not to look for them for any financial assistance. And of the joy as she recounted funny stories of my brother, stories i was to young to remember. My heart felt so heavy, so useless.... Oh how I wished I could erase that pain & fill it with golden rays of love & light. I hugged her... I sobbed into her shoulder as I hugged her.... I looked into her eyes.. and told her.. that they must be mighty special... if they have been tested by such fire... i told her that they have walked the path of loss of many people. I told her how i loved her... I told her how thankful i was to have been born from her womb. I told her that I was so sorry. I was sorry ..... I wasn't old enough to take her pain away as a small child....
The Fire cast its magic spell.... healing grace.... etched upon the lines of my Mother's face
I am really quite a perfectionist... I have been so all my life.... & I can tell you exactly where it stems from.... the loss of my brother & sister (her becoming ill) I questioned why God would take 2 special children away from my parents & give them me in return. I questioned what it was that I had to do..I am talking about me being a very small child...maybe 4 or 5... I believed that God must expect me to be perfect...to live the life of 3... not just 1.... I felt compelled..to help fill the void in my parents hearts & spirits... I believed that I needed to make my brother proud... I always spoke to him as my Guardian Angel... I know tell my children of the Angel Uncle Mark.... As I write this I do so now with a hint of sadness for what may have been..... My father dredged the River & found his body...and thus has never really been able to forget..to grieve the loss of his darling son. This has caused much disharmony to the family.
I have brothers who have walked & walk the path of drug addiction, mental illness & psychosis. I have seen the damage & pain they have inflicted on myself & my family. Suffice to say I have very strong feeling against drugs.... No one should have to see their older brother shoot up heroin... NO ONE.... or no-one should know that their eldest brother held down his youngest brother & shot him up..... All those involved in that fateful drowning have been severely affected.. drug addictions, suicides, alcohol & mental illness & trouble with the law.... many lives where affected that day...
My parents were poor, they had no family support... they tried to hold their shattered world together... just the 2 of them..... Now I am a parent...my heart aches for the times they would of felt..lost..alone...bereft...distraught....hopeless & much much more....... But as i type this i don't remember SADNESS.. I remember a father..who was magical.... he could make a table full of food appear... he would make Papa Gooley's magic tomato soup..... as a small child.. I only saw the joy.. I never knew that he had gone & picked buckets full of mushrooms..travelled hours to the fruit markets & sold the mushrooms... only to make enough to get some tomatoes & bread (a few other things) I only saw a creative, innovative, entertaining, jovial...yet strict father... Oh how I hope I was affectionate to my father & mother as my children are to me... Oh how I wish I was a source of love & strength... Oh how i hoped i thanked them enough for the precious food they put on the table... I pray that my little face looked at with beaming eyes & said "Yum dad or Mum..that was delicious" I have so much gratitude & love for my parents & the many invaluable life coping skills they have taught me...
All I know is that this weekend away with my Mum & 2 sisters was a real eye opener... a heart opener & a mind opener....... yes my life plate may be a little full..... but I am so blessed... I have family & support, we are financially OK and i have the same strength of spirit & blood coursing through my veins... I am blessed.... I have gratitude...
I intend to have many more times in which I can sit & ask my Mum many more questions... My father needs to be handled with more kit gloves...as although he may be male..he is such a sensitive man... his skin is thick...yet inside he is as soft & affected as any.... I know what it is i must do...I must write a book.... telling their story... the challenges.. the trails... the losses ...as well as their faith...their joys... loves & successes.... their story is inspirational & i have not even touched on it here.....
I want to create an environment where I can sit down & discuss my life, my parents life, my siblings life that is safe... no-judgement & all accepting..... all encompassing. This will be hard.... there are many secrets that lurk in the closets, in the shadows..... yet there is much healing & acceptance that needs to be done....... I know there will be many moments where i will cry upon hearing the answers to my questions..... just as i know there will be moments of elation...of pride...of acceptance......
Before I move on & write the book of my life... I have to pay respect & justice & write the story of my parents.... my childhood.... So taking a lesson from Mother Earth.... the River that flowed so gently.... that is how i will approach this...gently.. allowing gentle healing.
One last afterthought... when discussing my brothers passing with my Mother & sisters.... we discussed how we are drawn to the water... I told my mum that i believed that the water outside our cabin...may hold within it..the tiniest trace of the water that was in the River that took my brother... I told her how i find all water healing... whether walking through the surf, a morning grass full of dew, the ocean, or even the shower..... later we all went down to the River & threw some flowers into it...saying a prayer...an offering ... it was beautiful ... the Afternoon Winters sun..shone down upon us & I felt a presence. It was special.... My brother lived..and I wanted to remember him...... honour & respect him..... LOVE HIM.....
Remembering....... an offering & Prayer
I had a brilliant weekend,,, as you can see it was intense.... but i feel I will remember it as a moment in my life.... where i changed... where I softened a little...where i accepted life a little more.... where i allowed the healing energy of the Universe to do with me what it needed..... I felt peace..... I had emotional toxins that I needed to release........
Thankfully the properties owner poodle followed me around all weekend & showered me with love
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)