I Dream

I Dream

How do we keepdreamsalive.... How do we ensure that our spirit, our sense of self & belief stay intact..... allowing us to move forward with enough energy & momentum... How do we reach our dreams..... How do I reach my dreams.... How do I become the Mary that I know I am.... I have gifts... How do I nurture the creative seeds that were sown long ago... bearing the fruit that will give birth to my Dreams???? So many questions & not a lot of answers!!!!!!

Firstly I need to take a few steps back... I need to look at what my dreams are..Identifying what it is.... what ignites my passion...what fills my heart with joy....what excites me....what delights me... What gives my life meaning & purpose.... What I wish & pray for.... What is is that makes me blossom, shine & feel alive.... What is the essence of me.... what drives me... What legacy do i wish to leave behind. What 1 thing will give me incredible sense of satisfaction & achievement????

Like all of us I have many different aspects of my being.... I am not referring to my dream for my children or us as a family. I have many of those. I am talking about what is my dream. Mary's dream. The benefit from having such clarity & passion is that I feel better about myself & appear to be a more productive mother & wife...

My dream is that I become a successful writer, published. I want to know that what I write has made an impact on others. I want to know that I am contributing to society's greater good. helping to create a better world. I dream that my books ... help others find their way...find some joy...some spark...self-belief & love... I want to entertain, enlighten, support & love others.... I want to create...and i want to be recognised & successful ..

Its not about money... Oh yes I dream of making money... not ridiculous amounts... but enough to live comfortably. To be able to purchase land... acreage ... A place that we could build an incredible home among the beauty of Nature. Related to this is the dream of building a Retreat... a place for others to come... A place where there is healing, nature, love & acceptance. A sacred place.. a place that people come to & have an incredible experience. Sunshine, woods, water views & access to the sacred source of love & light. A place where i can use my gifts of healing, of words & creativity to light the path for others.... I know how incredibly powerful retreats can be... I dream of creating my own unique Brand...

I have the Dream in sight.... now all I need is to be committed... prepared to work hard & make it happen. I cant rest on my laurels & think that a publisher is magically going to appear on my doorstep. Not I know I need dedication & motivation... I need to be productive... I need to make my dream happen.... The star is hanging in the sky.... I am hoping that I can reach far enough & lovingly & gently reach the star...whispering to it... " Star..my friend.... together we will shine.......This is my Dream"

I know i can do it... I know I was born to do it.... I believe in me.... Time for hard work & clarity..

I Dream... I Hope... I wish....I am..... I Need to open the gate to my dreams.... I have the keys... Its my choice.... belief , tenacity & hard work...... So it shall be done... The seeds have been sown...time to bring this baby home.... make it happen...

Motherhood & Me

What an amazing journey my life has been over the last 9years. A turbulent ride... a roller coaster ride. I have had 3 beautiful children in that time, as well as the heart ache of 1 miscarriage. My children are 9, 5 & 3. I feel that I am incredibly blessed. Today I want to write about the entries into this world... Their deliveries....from the perspective that each was a miracle & moved me in ways I once never felt I could be moved.

My mother had always said that she didn't want to be near me when i went into labour... the reason being she had brushed my hair growing up as a child and new how sensitive to pain i could be. I guess she didn't realise I was sensitive to the tug & pull of hair brushing (especially given that I was 1 of 10 children & my mothers patience wore thin... and her grip tighter the further she went along the line. Suffice to say I soon knew to be the first to have her hair brushed & quick to start self-grooming. Anyway. not being rude Mum (I love you) but i wouldn't want you in the labour suite.....

Anyway lets just say I proved my mother wrong. I am a very natural person. I know each women has the right to decide how & where she wants to deliver her child. The choice of pain medication is purely personal.

I myself wanted little or no intervention & to have drug free births. My ideal birth was a darkened room, my husband & I, the shower, soft rhythmical healing music & the smell of aromatherapy filling the air. I knew I wanted to bring my children into a world of calm... I wanted to have a drug free birth as I wanted to be in total control of my mind & body.. I wanted to feel the functional pain...

I wanted to embrace it & make it work for me... I did this... I created a sense of calm... I brought my children into a quiet, lightly lit room... the room smelled of neroli, rose & ylang ylang... the sounds of http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=apdGYCWatM8 filled the air. I felt beautiful, I felt empowered & I felt strong. I grew deeply in love with my husband, connecting on a much deeper level. As I type this now it is through tears of love & joy. I grew in respect for myself. It was as though I reached inside of me & found a well of beauty, strength & love. I was strong... I was capable. I could make the journey through birth as least traumatic as possible for my children.

I was blessed my first birth was only 3 hours from start to finish. Yet with quick & intense deliveries it can play havoc on your body. My beautiful boy was born with club feet. I knew that at the 20weeks scan..so I was prepared. Oh did i love him.... I am overcome now with the same intense set of emotions as when I first laid eyes upon his perfect face... bruised from a quick delivery but.. I had never seen or felt anything so 'whole' so 'real' so 'perfect'

My 2nd son (picture) was a much quicker delivery... I almost had him on the freeway... yet somehow i breathed through 1 minute contraction (every 2minutes) while my husband drove. i was even able to run into my house grab my CD's & aromatherapy oils & comb (for acupressure) He was 5&half weeks early, so I was a little anxious. I walked into the delivery suite & the nurses looked at me... yeah.. you'll be fine... I was already 9cm's ... suffice to say my Son was born pretty much straight away.. enough time to get the music on... oils burning. It was so quick... it was incredible...

The Dr said it was just like an old fashioned birth... All I know was that I fell in love with him instantly.. my funny looking little baby.. he seemed so small. Oh yes & I fell deeper in love with my husband. I also was so proud of myself. Once again I welcomed my precious child into an environment of calm. It didn't help that he had to be in special care nursery for 17 days.

I missed holding him skin on skin, i missed the smell of him. It hurt like hell to drive away from him & have to leave him in hospital. Those 17days.. were tough... running back 5 times a day to express & feed him. Let me say we partied when we finally were given the all clear. Our little man was where he belonged... in our loving arms... Oh how much I loved this tiny little boy in my arms.. I never knew I was capable of such love....

18 months later my precious little bundle of girl came flying into this world. Once again the midwives couldn't believe how quick my labour progressed. I sat rocking on the exercise ball, listening to Medwyn Goddall & visualising Gardenias. The smell of Rose, Neroli & ylang Ylang filling the air. I was high on life.... I could feel my little darling making her way into this world. The delivery was so quick.. 6 minutes after waters breaking... she was perfect & fed straight away.

What an incredible feeling to hold my sweet precious child against my skin & be able to feed her... I was truly blessed... My Angel lay in my arms... my heart & spirit filled to overabundance. I was blessed with 3 beautiful children. I didn't know then that my little Angel would be diagnosed with Epilepsy, brain tumours & a genetic disorder. All i know was that she slipped into this world like someone who had been here before. She filled a void in my heart that I didn't even know existed. In fact with each birth.. the children have given me a piece of my hearts puzzle. The love & respect that I felt for myself & my husband also helping to grow me as a person. I feel so blessed. i feel so loved & i have so much love. At present they are flowing forth in the shape of tears... tears of reliving & remembering the priceless moment of each birth... the moment my babies met me their Mum....

having written this I know that not everyone's birth experiences are like mine. Sisters have had very traumatic emergency C sections. I am blessed that my body, mind & spirit worked insync & I was able to have the births that I did.

And to my Mum, who brought 10 children into this world... Oh how I love you.. Oh How I respect all that you are & all that you have done. You have walked a very sad & harsh road. A road that no parent should have to walk (you & darling dad) I love you .... I love you

Growth

The Garden of Life..... full of colour, magic, healing, joy, sustenance, passion, dreams & incredible beauty. It has the potential to lift us up & allow us to fly... to reach our dreams.

We all carry within us the very seeds, that when planted upon fertile soil... will take root & grow into incredible gifts. Incredible passions, incredible talents, incredible moments of 'being' of living a present & fulfilled life.

I choose to live my life in a way that will allow the seeds of the spirit , of life's energy force to take root & grow. I choose to carefully nurture these seedlings, providing them with SUNSHINE, love, healing & passion. I don't want to get to the end of my life and realise that I had SEEDS that I had ignored & left to wither and die. I want to have a full Abundant Garden, one of colour, texture, purpose.

I am now at the point in my journey where I am no longer happy with my little insular plot of garden. No! I want to be part of a bigger PERMACULTURE of life. I choose to be entwined with others & their amazing Gardens. Their seeds differ from mine, yet the very essence and beauty is the same. We are all unique, yet each others gifts & beauty helps to define & enhance one another. I choose to live and breath and create in an amazing Universal Garden... A connective consciousness. It may be determinism in regards what seeds we were given, but it is purely free-will & choice what we decide to do with these seeds. We have in our very power to grow & nurture & enhance the garden of life. Or we can choose to allow it to wither & die, being over run by weeds of indifference & despair.

I choose Life... I choose Love. I choose to help create & nurture love & life. I choose to embrace my inner goddess & make a difference not only in my life, but the life of others. I have seeds & gifts a plenty & if I notice my friend or neighbours garden is wanting... I want to share.... I need to share. Life is indeed a garden..... A thing of beauty..... of true-self..... Incredible Abundances &Wealth. Plant and Nurture your seeds & garden today... Grow

Nurture Yourself & others.....

Finding Joy upon a rocky shore

How do we find true Joy in a world filled with heartache, stress, demands & challenges. How do we find time to STOP..... BE STILL & LISTEN ... DRINKING in the Sounds, The Smells, The warmth of the Radiant Sun or indeed the feel of your lovers skin against yours... or the sparkle of light in your child's eye. How do we learn to stop & take the time to simply "be' immersed in 'being present' How do we stop the incessant thoughts about money, security, healthy, life, from going round & round in our already crowded heads. In an essence how to we learn to simply accept life.... & embrace all that is.... thus enabling our higher conscious self to resume its position as the captain of this ship we call life?

Well its a complex question... I could say well the answer is complicated... complex & highly relative. But in my honest opinion the answer is simple... the answer is profound & the answer has been proven to be right...time & time again. I ask you to check your thinking as you read this... are you following me? can you see where this is heading? or does your internal dialogue & dissident disagree with me...saying that life is meant to be difficult, life is meant to be work, life is meant to be filled with stress & heartbreak, life is meant to be filled with moments of monotony? With only the fleeting moment of joy?

Life is indeed like a rocky beach.... I could choose to look at the rocks & become annoyed, frustrated that they are not soft, smooth white sand. Or I can choose to accept that the beach is filled with stones... interesting stones... By the simple act of acceptance I have already moved into a more confident frame of mind. I have given up on having 'unrealistic expectations' & accepted the hand of cards I have been dealt with. What i choose to do with those cards is solely my decision. I could choose to say I no longer wish to walk along this beach, as the stones make me trip and fall. Or indeed i could say, well these shoes I am wearing are really not meant for such a rocky path... I'll take my shoes off & walk intuitively along these stones... allowing each stone to fit smoothly under foot. After a while, I stop & start to appreciate the different textures, the patterns, the size, the feel ...the experience of these stones. They are now what I know.... take me to a white sandy beach... and the gritty sand would feel uncomfortable & foreign under foot.

The long long winded answer to my question is "Acceptance" of your situation...moving beyond resistance. Listening to yourself & starting to see how you process things & how your thoughts can control your behaviour. How easy it is to give into fear & stress when we loose sight of the 'present' of 'being in the now' and focusing long term.

Why do I feel joy? I feel joy because I understand that I am more then my thoughts. I understand I have a higher consciousness... I understand that I have incredible blessings beyond compare. i understand by focusing on 'being present' my body & mind are aware... my senses alive & I am in awe of all that is around me. I feel the sun upon my face. I feel the breeze upon my skin. I see the trees dance in the breeze. i see the clouds dance across the sky. i feel the rain as it falls to water the earth. I even dance out in the rain...my face up to the sky & stick my tongue out like a child. I live in the presence. There really is no option, to loose the sense of joy from now & focus on the stress & possible pain of tomorrow fills me with dread. My spirit sags & my heart becomes heavy. I am no longer a beautifully strong person embracing the light.... I am simply a mother consumed by fright.

The Magic that is now

Life is a wonderful surprise! A joy to unfound..... many moments of pure joy to behold. The small everyday 'now' moments of laughter, of smiles, of holding hands... gentle kisses... the sun upon bare skin.... the fresh air gently tickling your skin...the warm healing water cleansing your body & mind in the bath or shower.... the 'now' of life is filled with moments of incredible power.

Ok what is the alternative of living & being in the 'now'? Living a life filled with anxiety, stress & heartache. Of not knowing what the future will hold, of feeling the tight grip of fear around my heart & mind. The fear of not knowing what life will bring... especially in regard to my darling daughter Annamieke. As well as living in the shadows of the past. Living within the cold, dark shadows of yesterday... OF forever trying to hold on to memories of old, of who I once was. Or worse living through the sometimes distorted memories of childhood. I have brothers & sisters who choose to live this way. Their present life situation heavily tainted & directed by their unwillingness to move out of the past & into the present. I find immense healing, joy & being in living in the now. There really is only this moment of now... the future is not another dimension, but a later moment of now.

I am blessed to wake up to life.. to have my breath taken away by the incredible stillness & beauty of nature. This morning the mist rose from the Earth...ever so gently... revealing incredible pure white light. Much like a lover... kissing his beloved goodbye...after moments of pure magic... the Earth Sated & alive... filled with creative energy & stillness.

”Without freedom from the past, there is no freedom at all, because the mind is never new, fresh, innocent.” Krishnamurti

Living in the now fills my 'life's situation' with many moments of joy... I delight in watching a Butterfly flutter in flight. I delight in the sounds of birds as the flit through the garden. I delight in the healing energy & love of the sun as it caresses my skin. I delight in the feel of my children's hand against my cheek. I delight in the rain as it falls to the Earth. I delight in the stars & moon as they shine & illuminate the night. I delight in being.. I delight in life. My 'life situation' hasn't changed I still have a 3yo daughter with brain tumours, epilepsy & a genetic disorder. But What I do have is the ability of choosing & accepting, Allowing the healing love & light of the Universe, of my 'creator' to flow through me.. to heal & accept. I live in the now & I have an incredibly beautiful daughter laying here by my side as I write this blog... her diagnosis loses its power & control, as I concentrate on the 'now' on her joy, on her 'being' on her 'energy'. I live in love & joy.... I have hope... but not the type of hope that makes me wish my now away... as I find that unhelpful.. I have hope & belief.. I have love & acceptance. I no longer choose resistance.... I am finally being true to myself... I am allowing Life's energy to course through my 'being' giving me so many more gifts... not just the power if intuition & seeing. I am HOME

A journey unknown...Sweet Synchronicity

The Last 9 months have been an incredible journey. I have waded through waters I had thought I would never have to venture into. The waters .... cold..dark & murky waters of having a child with an illness.
The journey the long path from diagnosis... to acceptance... to healing. Allowing the richness and beauty of life to envelop me (and us) surrounding us in life giving protecting liquid gold... white light & energy.
Along this path... along this rocky journey... I have found 'Me" I have found the essence of me... An awakening.... an awakening of my many gifts & abilities. An awakening of a spirit that had been asleep... asleep in the mundaneness of everyday life... I am awake... I am vibrant.. I walk a tumultuous tightrope.... but I know that I feel.... I scar... I heal. I am blessed.

The journey has been incredible.....I have heard many people say.. that Only being subjected to times of darkness can we truly see our light & brilliance. I agree... The flip side of feeling intense heart rendering... soul aching pain... is that I had to open my heart... I had to look deep inside myself.... see my fragility.... feel my pain.... face my now & my future... I purged myself of all that I had held to be true... all that I had known.... All that I held as being a given.... I de-cluttered my heart, my mind & my spirit. I had no room in my life.. other then for my darling children & husband. I knew my family needed me to heal.... to accept & allow the Universe the Freedom to do what was needed. I cried... I cried..... i prayed.... I wrote...... I found writing cathartic.... I found sobbing under the shower to be a healing experience. The gentle shower water cleansing my body & soul.... the tears I cried.... being tiny prayers... enveloped in healing water... being carried to heaven in the loving arms of Angels. Slowly I cried less & started to smile... slowly... ever so slowly the sunshine filled my heart. The purging I had done... allowed my heart to easily resonate & vibrate with the brilliance of the sun.

For many many years I have been told by many people, people I know, strangers & even people in my dreams that I have the gift of energy healing. The gift of listening to a person & helping them feel love, acceptance & healing. i was always scared of this. I remember running a Women's Retreat at an incredible place North Of Sydney & the insightful owner took me aside... held my hands & said "don't be afraid, embrace your gifts.. they come from a good place" she told me that i help to open people's Crown Chakra's... I have always been spiritual, very intuitive & aware of both the seen & unseen... the spoken & unspoken..

Since then I have had a whole series of Synchronous events that have led me to accept & treasure my gifts. More importantly treasure the amazing people I have met along the way. Gentle, loving, intuitive souls.... people that wish to heal the world... bring about love & acceptance of all. I feel very honoured to have been guided by those who have felt a connection with me. My goal now is to join all the dots in my life... my gifts, my desires, my abilities, my responsibilities & commitments ... much like joining the many stars in the sky... creating my own constellation... my own sign. I am now at the point in my journey where I am compelled to move forward...embracing who I am, using my gifts to make my life, my family & my community & my circle of influence a better place. A more sacred place. I now know that I walk this journey with guides, with family & friends. I do not walk alone.... and when i am feeling a little weak & unsure I can rely upon my 'community' to carry the weight for a little..... like wise I am here to help carry the weight for others when needed.

So here I stand starting an amazing journey .. a journey of healing, self-discovery & awakenings... A journey of new beginnings... a journey of tears & laughter..... I walk this path 1 step at a time.... I choose not to run...as I want to do it right... I want to reflect this love & light......

FInding my Inner Artist: A Cathartic Journey of healing

Life is most definately a surprise packet..... a Roller Coaster ride.... A journey into the unknown... well at first you may think you have the answers... then Wham Bam Thank You Mam ..... life has a way of stepping in & knocking you off your feet. Thank God i have big feet & can take a little more hammering.....

I guess it is then that the inner drive... need 2 survive is ignited..... A need 2 find our inner essence.. so we can hang on with tenacity & resilience during the tumultuous, unknowing, exhilarating ride they call life......

I am a mother of 3 young children... ages 3,4 & 8....... My youngest a darling golden haired Angel was recently diagnosed with a genetic disorder i am yet able to say out loud... We are on the journey of healing & survival..... but some things may just take a little more time.... But thats Ok... it is my journey & I'm prepared for that......

What has been a wonderful find is my appreciation, love & talent for photography & writing... It has been a Cathartic experience 2 simply put into words... the swirling of emotion, fears & tears... It has been a healthy way of tapping into my pain & fear & finding a way of unleashing the negative energy..... I strongly believe that trapped negative energy is harmful 2 one's physical & emotional health......

After meeting with my daughter's lovely neurologist... I think I retreated into a world of my own for several days.. I still coped... I choose to selectively juggle my lives demands...Anything that was deemed unimportant I put aside..... I cried...Oh boy did I cry... I cried an ocean of tears... releasing my fears.... The tears were healing..... just my way of dealing....

Then about 4 days later... I realised I smiled & laughed... A real laugh.... I called my husband at work and said "Guess what my darling: I smiled & laughed...A real laugh"... The next day I smiled some more... and the next I cried a little less... then before I knew it...My smiles outweighed the tears...... I'd faced my demons & faced my fears..... I wrote some poetry & decided that i was going 2 capture beautiful pictures of my daughter everyday... I decided I was going 2 take a photo portrait of myself everyday...to show myself that i was coping.... I had believe, faith & was hoping.....

Here are 2 of my first poems...when I write I am inspired... they come to me fluidly & completely... They are incredibly Cathartic... I am extremely visual spatial & see in pictures...but i am also blessed with a vivid vocabulary ...so together I hope I can paint a picture in words... the page is my canvas.... the viewer /observer is free to take from my words their own interpretation..... I hope my writing & my story will inspire & connect with others... transcending cultural barriers....

My Blessings & Fears

I stand here before the Sun in all its glory


So much to say, so deep is my story


My path is winding, my journey is long


A journey now paved with tears, joy & song

Abundance of spirit &abundance of mind


Abundance of energy & loving & kind


Blessings of love & laughter & tears


Blessings of love & my most painful fears

I faced a fear so dark & deep


My waking was haunted as was my sleep


But with fears comes love & appreciation


of embracing my life's journey, a unique situation

A faceted jewel my mind & heart & spirit


I've chosen the truth & no need to fear it.


The mountain, the path, the journey ahead of me


I do not fear, for I am not 'me' but 'we'

ADRIFT (My first poem)

Adrift upon the turbulent ocean


Adrift upon this dangerous sea


Alone in the dark......
just my thoughts & me

Tugging and pulling.....
Searching so desperately


Calmness, peace & quietness
......STILLNESS of thought

Afloat Adrift
.......

Just me all alone
.......

rising with the turbulent foam............


Yet still I float & do not sink......


I think too much is what I think...

9th Jan 2010

What I wrote yesterday... after having my sister come over & share all her life stresses, worries & concerns... bad marriage, unhappy home & out of control teenagers... I think I helped her see things from a different perspective... adjust her view & see that she did have power & control of the only variable in her life... herself...her thoughts & actions...or more likely her reactions

I just wrote this poem in the last 5 minutes... I guess I am finding it Cathartic ...as I am in the processes of dealing with my darling daughter (3 yo) having a rather horrible disease.... so these poems (some of them) are part of my healing... of expressing my emotions into healthy poems...thus stopping any negative energy getting trapped in my body & making me unwell..... I am finding out just how strong, resilient & beautiful I am... I can do it... simply because I have to... these are the cards I've been dealt now I need to play the best hand of my life.... I am learning to simply be.......

I Climbed A Mountain

I climbed a Mountain so ridiculously high...
I climbed a mountain, reaching beyond the bluest sky...
An emotional mountain,its substance all feeling....
Upon reaching the top I thought I'd find healing....

A sense of accomplishment clothed in a smile...
But Alas the smile only lasted a while...
For stretched out in front of me.......
Stood many more mountains reaching to the edge of the sea........

I stopped a minute or two or three.......
To look at what laid in front of me.......
Life..and all its tribulations
Survival ...and all its revelations .......

I looked down upon my feet....
Knowing that this challenge they could surely meet.....
I had within my very spirit.....
The strength to live & not fear it.....

So onwards I walk towards the ocean........
Onwards I walk a mix of emotion..........
The trek is hard, the journey long......
But I'm guided by my internal "Song"

Be brave & strong my darling daughter....
For in my heart I can see the water.....
The sparkling crystals upon the sea.......
Are the beautiful image ..strengthening me..........